What Would A Mary Sue Do?
by swimhard2787
Summary: A Mary-Sue parody. NWN2-centric, just supposed to make everyone laugh. What would a Mary Sue do when all the men around her suddenly find themselves in love with her? Pure goofiness, silliness, and the result of utter insanity. Enjoy!
1. A Crisis For Mary Sue

**Author's note: **This fic came out of a bout of insanity a few months back! I found it, and decided to pick it up again. This is meant to be a parody of all the Mary Sue-like characters I've seen in various fanfics, not necessarily NWN2 ones, but I figured, hey, why not torment the NWN2 men? ;) So, I hope you enjoy! It's just supposed to be goofy and funny and a good laugh. Also, cookies to anyone who picks up the _Venture Brothers _reference. And my apologies about review replies, I've been having issues accessing my gmail account, and I _just _figured out how to send replies here. So, my bad! Enjoy the mockery! And just in case, most errors you see here are supposed to be there. Some are actual mistakes, but others are supposed to be there:D

* * *

"Now, Amethyst Rose Periwinkle Sapphire, I can't have you sitting around the Flagon all the time," Duncan chided, "Otherwise, my patrons might start having a bad influence on you." 

"But _Duncan_," the breathtakingly-gorgeous half-gold dragon, half-celestial, half-elven vampyre protested good-naturedly, "Please, I've asked you to call me Mairee, I don't like my full name! And I enjoy your company so much! Why would you want me to go away?"

"Because, I don't like the way Bishop looks at you," Duncan said firmly, "He's a dangerous man, and he's always staring at you. And who couldn't! In all honesty, you dress in the _trendiest_ ways. I didn't even _know_ we had a _Dolce & Gabbana_ in Neverwinter! And who knew you could get _Manolo Blahnik _Croc Slingbacks in Blacklake…"

"Well, a girl has to look her best," the spectacularly-beautiful young woman sighed, smoothing out her _Marc Jacobs _striped miniskirt, "But fine, I'll avoid Bishop. Despite the fact that he's devastatingly handsome and probably _amazing_ in the sack, I'll avoid him. For now, at least until my womanly wiles trick him into revealing feelings even _he_ didn't know he had. And then, he shall go all out-of-character and become soft, girly, wussy and want to pick out china with me."

"Good. Now, off to bed with you," Duncan smiled, "You have to get up bright and early tomorrow to be errand-girl for Lord Nasher and the City Watch. I know it's a hard life being a paladin and cleric of Sune, not to mention being one of the top warlocks _and_ bards in Neverwinter, but you _have _to do it. Oh, and don't forget to take Puggles upstairs! I don't care if she's your animal companion -- and you're not a ranger or a druid, which is strange -- but I can't have Siberian Tigers scaring off my customers!"

"Sure, Duncan, see you in the morning," Mairee said, her voice as sweet as honey -- but too bad it was the honey that builds up at the top of the jar. You know, that stuff that hardens into crystals and is really, really, _really, sickeningly_ sweet? Yeah, like that. "Come on, Puggles!"

As Mairee walked to her room, her delicate elven ears picked up the sound of someone stirring in the nearby darkness. She nervously tossed her waist-length, silken curtain of shockingly-blonde hair over her shoulder, and her sparkling violet eyes were wide in fear-

"_No! Scratch that!"_

Her eyes were bright with curiosity at the strange voice emanating from above. "Who's there?"

She was suddenly aware of the fact that she'd eaten dinner in a revealing negligee as Bishop stepped out of the shadows. He looked down and realized that he was dressed in only a pair of loose linen trousers, despite having been in his leathers mere seconds earlier.

"Wait," he mumbled, "Where did my shirt go?"

"_It's back in your room,"_ a voice roared, _"You can't be fully clothed when you meet the most beautiful woman you've ever seen!"_

"Why not?" he snapped, "And who in the Hells are you?"

"_I'm the narrator,"_ the voice boomed out, _"Ignore me!"_

Bishop shrugged and turned back to the angel standing before him. Oblivious to the fact of never having met her before, he pulled Mairee into a tight embrace, pressing his thigh between her flawless, porcelain legs.

"Oh, Amethyst Rose Periwinkle Sapphire-"

"Please, Bishop, call me Mairee."

"Oh, Mairee, I have watched you now for all of three hours and I have fallen hopelessly in love with you-"

"_No, wait,"_ the narrator bellowed, _"Scratch that too!"_

"All right, I find you magnificent in your beauty-"

"_Scratch that as well!"_

"Will you _stop that?_'"

"_Ignore me!"_

"Fine! I want to get into your bed, _right now_," the well-muscled hottie of a ranger growled, his honey-and-amber-brown eyes smoldering with lust.

"My," Mairee gasped, her eyes a twinkling cerulean and her voluptuous bosom heaving, but somehow _not _jiggling like a cup of Jell-O on a trampoline, "Bishop, I thank you, but I hardly know you, I-"

Suddenly, the door to the Flagon burst open and a handsome hunk of a paladin stepped through it, wincing as the door bounced back to hit him in the nose. Mairee snapped her head around, and her long sheet of vibrant auburn hair flew gracefully about her face. Bishop yelped as errant strands of rich copper hit him in the eyes. The newcomer spoke.

"I am Casavir, paladin of Tyr, the Katalmach and I am here to fight for the honor and the love-"

"_No!"_

"Err, passion?"

"_Try again!"_

"Who_ is _that?" Casavir whispered to Bishop.

"The narrator. Ignore her."

"Um, I want to fight for the right to bed this gorgeous woman I see before me!" the powerfully-built hunk said righteously, his voice rumbling in a deep, sexy baritone, "Despite the fact that I shouldn't even be here yet, I'm technically back in Old Owl Well fighting orcs, I am here to fight for you, Amethyst Rose Periwinkle Sapphire!"

"It's Mairee!" Bishop snarled.

"Fine, Mairee, I am here to fight for your affections!" Casavir said proudly, ripping her from the ranger's arms and into his own. He ran his fingers through her shining hair, hair the color as black as the underside of a raven's wing -- or black shoe polish, depending on your tastes. "Please, my lady, permit me to prove my chivalrous intentions with you."

Mairee gasped again as a strikingly good-looking elven man stepped through the open door, bringing a gust of wind with him that caused the short skirt of her negligee to lift up, revealing her exquisite bottom. She squealed in embarrassment and quickly pulled it back down, but not before hesitating long enough for the men to get a good look.

"I am Sand, and even though I am not supposed to be a permanent companion until Act II, I am here to vie for your attentions as well, Amethyst Rose Periwinkle Sapphire! Your elven grace and beauty has ensnared me even though you're only half-elven... and a vampire-"

"Vam_pyre,_" Mairee corrected.

"And a half-gold dragon... _and _an aasimer!"

"I'm not an aasimer!" she protested, "I'm a half-celestial!"

"Oh, well then, I must be reading the first draft of this script. But it doesn't matter! I can make colors come out of my fingertips!" he said, wiggling his fingers.

"Shove off, you herb-sniffing wuss!" Bishop spat, "Mairee's mine!"

"You are incorrect, my friend," Casavir said calmly, "She's currently in _my_ arms right now, and I have no intentions of relinquishing her."

"No, please!" Mairee pleaded; her grass-

"_Nope!"_

Pine-

"_Still wrong!"_

Emerald-green eyes wide and brimming with tears, "I can't handle fighting! I just can't! Please!"

"Well then, _I_ shall have to settle the fight now, won't I?" a deep voice growled from outside. An attractive warlock stepped in, an impressive latticework of glowing tattoos covering his face and head.

"And who are _you_, tattoo-face?" Bishop snapped.

"I am Ammon Jerro. I'm technically the bad guy through Acts I and II. You know, I'm trying to save the world, you get in my way, so I try to kill you with demons and devils and all that, but in Act III I'm your companion and your friend. Of course, it's only after I kill a dear friend of yours, but all that aside, I must declare _my_ intentions to woo this woman!"

"I hope all you newcomers can pay for rooms!" Duncan shouted from somewhere off-screen. "And nobody says 'woo' anymore!"

"Fine then, seduce!" Ammon yelled back, sweeping into an exaggerated bow. Mairee's chestnut locks rippled in the gentle breeze now coming from the open door. "Despite me having a wife and a family a century ago, I find this sixteen-year-old young woman utterly tempting and alluring, despite her being a hundred and twenty years younger than I! She is mature beyond her years, in every way! Her magical powers dwarf even _mine! _ In her scant sixteen years on this plane I know she is the woman who will save the world, and I wish to take her out to dinner-"

"_Are you kidding me?" _

"I mean, take her as my own!"

"Wait, isn't Nevalle supposed to be here too?" Sand murmured to Casavir as Ammon and Bishop stared daggers at each other over Mairee's head.

"He's too busy fixing his hair. Too much gel," Casavir mumbled back, "But it matters not! We four shall quarrel amongst ourselves, with or without hair-boy."

Mairee pressed the back of a delicate hand to her forehead. "All this attention, all this testosterone, it's just too much!" she cried, "I-I feel woozy."

And with that, she swooned into Casavir's arms, but not before smacking her head on a table.


	2. The Chosen One

Author's note: All right, guys, for this chapter, just for a bit of fun, I borrowed some other authors' main characters for cameos. And while I wish I could have included everyone's character that I wanted to, I tried it, and it just got so convoluted and confusing that I had to cut some out (hence the unbelievable delay between chapters, this has to be the 60th rewrite of this thing). "Charlie Foxtrot" ceased to be an adequate description. So, to make it fair, I wrote all the PC's names that I could think of on slips of paper, put them in a box, and asked a friend to choose six. The six that came out are: ParadoxPortal's _Piper _(the ginger-haired bard), DarthIxnay's _Gina_ (the white-haired woman), femensqueterror's _Exlen_ (the sun elf) Cougarmadcat's_ Avera _(the red-haired halfling), Sticksie's _Lana_ (the raven-haired rogue) and my _Cari_ (the green-eyed woman). The whole scene is supposed to be hilarious, so, I hope it is! I really do wish that I could have included everyone's characters, I really wanted to, but I just couldn't. I hope that none of you are offended or hurt by this:( to make up for it, I teased the heck out of Cari, XD Though, if anyone has a problem, do let me know, and I'll fix it promptly, because I don't want any hurt feelings:) 

Also, the reason for the lack of names when it comes to the PC's is that I wanted them to seem 'less important' than Mairee. I hope it's funny! I hope you enjoy the insanity!

* * *

A few hours later, Mairee awoke to the sound of hushed whispers.

"She's so beautiful when she's sleeping."

"Gorgeous."

"She looks like an angel."

"Hey, I was gonna say that!"

"Too bad, I said it first."

"Hark, she stirs!"

"Hells, elf, where do you come up with that shi-"

"Unngh, my head," Mairee groaned, pressing a delicate hand to her forehead, "What happened?"

"My lady," Casavir said, bowing, "You swooned under the strain of our excessive manliness and you hit your head on the way down."

"And then you faceplanted onto the floor," Bishop said, "And broke your nose. It wasn't pretty. But luckily, Blacklake has a team of specialists who came in and mended your nose so it looks even more perfect than before!"

"It was perfect before," Sand snapped, "It didn't need to be fixed-"

"Oh, shut up, elf-"

"Please, don't fight," Mairee murmured sleepily, her voice the sound of tinkling bells, "I don't want you to fight over me."

"Fine," Bishop growled, "Then we shall settle this like men. With a round of rock, paper, scissors-"

"_Not manly enough!" _the narrator bellowed, _"Try again!"_

"I mean, uh, a duel to the death!"

"No!" Mairee cried, clutching the blanket to her chest and holding her flawless hand out in protest, "Please, I beg of you, don't fight-"

"But we _will_ fight for you!" Casavir cried, "I see the way your delicate bosom heaves with your breaths, my beautiful lady. I see the way your full lips pout! I see the way your naked skin glows in the torchlight, which is strange, because you're covered by a blanket-" 

(Wait a minute; wasn't she _clothed_ when she got into bed? What the heck kind of story is this?)

"You are unworthy of such a woman," Ammon declared, "She deserves a man with power, with passion. _I_ will fight for her!"

"The Hells you will, warlock!" Bishop snarled, "I will fight for her beauty and her love! Even though I'm a bloody commitment-phobe, her womanly wiles have stirred feelings of love and fidelity within me that I didn't know I had! I now suddenly want to marry her, settle down and have a family with 2.5 children, a dog and a white-picket fence-"

"Please, ranger, the best you could offer her is a smelly cabin in the woods," Sand scoffed, "I can offer Mairee a secure life as my companion and wife! I'm four hundred years old for Mystra's sake! I should know _something_ about being in a relationship-"

Everyone yelped as the door burst open and a group of women stormed inside. (Well, Mairee didn't yelp so much as 'cry heroically in surprise.') At the front of the band stood a brown-eyed, ginger-haired bard, wearing a belt that held a mishmash of supplies. To her right stood a woman with black hair and bright green eyes that glittered with a barely-contained insanity. The comely white-haired woman behind her eyed her warily, keeping one hand on her rapier. A pretty sun elf with emerald-green eyes, a tall, raven-haired rogue with a bow on her back, and a red-haired halfling with a deadly-looking whip rounded out the rest.

"Who in the Hells are _you?_" Ammon blurted out, startled, "And what are you doing here?"

"We're the Anti-Sues," the ginger-haired bard explained, "And we're here to stop this craziness. We're well-developed, well-balanced characters, with triumphs and flaws that make us unique."

"That's right," the woman with the short, snow-white hair agreed, "While we're not perfect-"

"S_he's _breathtakingly beautiful!" Mairee whined, pointing at the woman with the green eyes who was cleaning her fingernails with a dagger, "That's not fair!"

"But I'm a psychopath," she said quietly, grinning wildly and winking, "So it balances out."

"As I was _saying,_" the white-haired woman continued, "We're normal characters in our own right."

"But that also means you're _ordinary,_" Mairee said scornfully, her hair shining as if a thousand angels had brushed it, "There's nothing special about _you_."

"It_ does_ mean we're special!" the red-haired halfling said defiantly, "We're believable and fascinating and-"

"Boring," Mairee said pompously, her skin shining with an ethereal, dewy glow other women had to use makeup in order to obtain, "Absolutely boring. Who wants to hear about _normal_ women? When there are women like _me_ around?"

"At least our _names_ are normal," the sun elf muttered under her breath, "Not this forty-syllable abomination with apostrophes and dashes that takes forever to read and even longer to write."

"You men like normal women," the tall, fair woman with jet-black hair said, "Right?"

"Of _course _not," Sand scoffed, "What good are normal women when we have a goddess in our midst? Right, men?"

Casavir and Ammon nodded in agreement, but Bishop was silent, staring at the woman still picking at her fingernails with the dagger. "Right, Bishop?"

"Right," Bishop said absentmindedly, "Hey, don't I know you? Haven't I slept with you in another story?"

"You and half the Sword Coast, honey," the woman smirked, sheathing her dagger, "So you may have to narrow it down. But enough of this! We Anti-Sues are sick and tired of being ignored in the face of, well, disgusting perfection! Ladies, draw your swords! We will settle this in battle!"

"Hey, wait a moment," the ginger-haired bard said quickly, "I thought we agreed on no bloodshed?"

Tears welled in the other woman's eyes.

"You mean… you mean no stabby-stab?"

"No stabby stab."

The green-eyed woman stomped off and dropped down into a nearby chair, pouting. The sun elf standing nearby shook her head.

"You scare me."

"Enough of this foolishness!" Casavir cried, "I will not allow you to harm this beautiful woman! We shall fight you if necessary, but I would prefer to settle this peacefully. Understood? Are there any questions?"

"I have one," Sand quipped, "Why isn't the ranger wearing pants?"

Everyone looked down, and sure enough, Bishop was standing there in nothing but his boxers.

"What?" he snapped, looking skyward, "I'm not allowed _pants_ now?"

"_No! You cannot be clothed around her! She is far too beautiful for you to resist!"_

"Are you going to take my underwear now too?"

"_Brilliant idea!"_

Bishop barely had enough time to grab a book and hold it in front of himself as his underwear vanished too. He scowled as the other women giggled.

"Small book," the halfling whispered, waggling her eyebrows and grinning, drawing more giggles from the other women. After a moment, the white-haired woman cleared her throat, her face slightly pink from laughing.

"All right," she said, "No violence then. But we can't just sit around and let Mairee run free! What do you-?"

She was interrupted as the door burst open again.

"_Why does nobody lock the damn door?" _the narrator roared, _"We'll never get to the end with all these interruptions!"_

Everyone jumped as a tall, ruby-haired, exceptionally-handsome tiefling stumbled into the room, closely followed by a slightly shorter man with blue skin and bluish-gray hair.

"Sorry we're late," the tiefling gasped, panting and gulping for air, "We had to run all the way from the expansions."

"Indeed," the blue-skinned man agreed, smoothing his hair back into his usual emo-style, "I do hope we're not too late? We wished to fight for Mairee's affections as well!"

"Not at all!" Mairee said happily, smiling brightly, so brightly, that somewhere, a star was ashamed of itself, "The more the merrier! Besides, if this thing gets bloody, I need all the men I can get! But who are you?"

"I am Valen Shadowbreath," the tiefling said, bowing slightly, "You have the taint of a demoness in your veins, and it has called me here, all the way from the third expansion to the first game!"

"And I am Gannayev. Erm, Gann," he corrected, noticing the confused looks on everyone's faces, "But what's this about blood? You see, I can't risk getting my handsome face scarred in battle, so I'd rather not fight if necessary…"

"Right, we were supposed to fight!" Ammon growled, infernal energy bristling at his fingertips, "Fight for this beautiful woman and against these 'Anti-Sues!' Come now, Anti-Sues, let's see what you've got!"

"Hold on a moment!" the ginger-haired bard cried, "Group huddle!"

The other women in the room formed a tight circle and started whispering amongst themselves. The green-eyed woman popped up for a moment and shot Mairee a look of death before the rest straightened up and turned to face the men.

"We have come to an agreement," the tall, raven-haired rogue declared, "We shall leave here peacefully, and leave Mairee alone, but on one condition."

"What condition is that?" Sand said warily, "And please don't say it involves the ranger losing the book."

"_That can be arranged!"_

"Shut up!" Bishop bellowed, "It's drafty in here!"

"No," the white-haired woman said calmly, "Though that may work on some of us, we have different demands. We'll leave…"

"But we get _him,_" the red-haired halfling finished, pointing at Valen. "Him, in exchange for us leaving you alone!"

"No!" Valen said defiantly, "I will never leave her side! Her demon blood draws me in. She's ensnared me, entrapped me, she-"

With an eye roll, Ammon pulled Valen aside and whispered something in his ear.

"Devil's blood?" Valen shrieked, "She's got devil blood in her?" Ammon nodded. "Well… damn. Oh well. Sorry about all this." He turned to the other women. "Anyone know where you could get a good drink around here?"

"Definitely," the green-eyed woman purred, linking her arm around his and leading him out the door, "So, tell me, what's a handsome tiefling like you doing so far from the Abyss?"

Groaning in disgust, the other women followed them out. They all hears someone mumble, "Slut," before Bishop shut the door, keeping one hand awkwardly on his book.

"Now that _they've _been taken care of," Casavir grumbled, "Perhaps we can get this underway? Or is there anyone else who needs to come in and interrupt us?"

Sand grabbed the script from a nearby table and quickly flipped through it.

"Well, according to this, she's got some dwarf blood in her too," Sand said, shrugging, "Perhaps Khelgar would want to be part of this challenge as well."

Silence.

"I_said,_" Sand shouted, waving the script in the air, "Perhaps Khelgar would want to be part of this challenge as well!"

Still silence.

"Damn it all!" Bishop griped, "Where's Khelgar?"

"I don't know," Casavir shrugged, "We fast-traveled from Skymirror back to Neverwinter and he suddenly disappeared. Haven't seen him since."

"Damn it!" Bishop yelled, "Who transitioned with their familiar or companion summoned? You all _know_ about the glitch! It's been around since 1.10!"

"We don't need the dwarf," Ammon growled, "Let us settle this now. Let Mairee choose."

"Indeed," Casavir nodded, puffing out his chest, "Let the lady choose who _she _would like, and the losers will just have to deal."

Mairee clapped her hands excitedly, her full, voluptuous breasts bouncing up and down with a perkiness only youth can bring – lucky bitch. This was almost as fun as the time she had found her _Oscar de la Renta "Tulle" _dress on sale. She gazed at her suitors, checking height, weight, overall appearance, obedience-

"_This isn't a dog show!"_

Attractiveness and personality-

"_This isn't Miss America either!"_

All right, hotness, is that better?

"_Yes!"_

Thank you. Mairee pointed at each man, eliminating them as she saw fit.

"Too angsty… too sarcastic… too smurfy…"

Until…

"You!" she cried, leaping from her bed, "I choose you! You're tall, dark, and mysterious, with beautifully-crafted features! You're strong and silent and powerful and perfect for me!"

And with that, Mairee bounded off happily into the sunset, exquisite hair rippling in the golden light and arm-in-arm with her beau.

Those left behind stood in stunned silence until Bishop's book falling to the floor shook them from their reverie. As he scrambled to cover himself again, the others wondered why she had chosen who she had.

After a long while, Sand cleared his throat.

"So… who wants to tell her that she ran off with the Construct?"


End file.
